Tomorrow Never Comes

One of the first items on the to-do list of anyone who settles into a new country is to open a bank account. We were no different. After all, you need a bank account for two key things: (1) to make a security deposit on your apartment and to issue post-dated rent checks, and (2) to pay for the car you will be buying. In order to make things smoother and quicker, I had a rupee demand draft (the equivalent of a banker’s check) drawn up in my favor by the State Bank of India Chicago Branch. (Yes, there is an SBI branch in Chitown). I figured that with a demand draft issued for the Delhi branch in my hand, it would only take a few days to open an account and get access to the funds. Little did I know…

I think my first mistake was walking into a Shitty-bank branch as compared to some of the larger desi banks. I’ll blame it partly on the fact that I felt comfortable dealing with an international bank, given that I expected a fair bit of forex transactions in my accounts. Also, the branch was right next to the McDonald’s where we had our lunch, so it looked like a no-brainer. In any case, Neha and I walked into the Shitty-bank’s branch, talked about the expected value of our accounts (including our corporate account), and immediately got the attention of a relationship manager. I now call this gentleman “Clueless Aggarwal”, for reasons that will become very apparent to the readers in a bit (That's how I have saved his name on my cell). Clueless Aggarwal talked about how quickly they could setup our accounts. Then a series of calls followed:

Day 2:
Clueless: “Sir, to verify your address I need either a rental lease or a real estate ownership document”
Me: “Well, I am at a temporary apartment for a month. Can I get you an invoice from them?”
Clueless: “That should work”

Day 3:
Clueless: “Sir, I just checked, and as per RBI guidelines, your temporary apartment invoice won’t work. Can’t you give an electricity bill / phone bill?”
Me: “This is a temporary apartment – I don’t get phone/electricity bills. Why don’t you use my parents’ address in Jodhpur – that’s my permanent address anyway. And please tell me everything you need in one go. This can’t be delayed any further.”
Clueless: “Yes sir. That should work”

Day 4:
Clueless: “Sir, thanks for sending the scanned copies of the utility bills. I’ll make sure that we start with our verification process”

Day 5:
Clueless: “Sir, I just learnt that because we don’t have a branch in Jodhpur,we cannot do a verification over there”
Me: “Can’t you make a phone call / send someone”?
Clueless: “No Sir, I don’t think that will be possible”
Me: “Look buddy. I’ve pretty much had it with you. It’s been 5 days, and you haven’t been able to open an account. Can you tell me if you can open a bank account in the next 24 hours or not”
Clueless: “Sir, let me find out”
Me: “When will you tell me?”
Clueless: “By 9am tomorrow”

Day 6:
Me: “It’s 10am. Do you have an update for me?”
Clueless: “Sir, I can get an answer for you in the next 30 minutes”
Me: “Take your time and think before giving me a timeline. If by that time you don’t have an answer, I’ll take my business elsewhere. So, once again, are you saying that you will have an answer by 10:30?”
Clueless: “Sir, in that case, please make it 11:00”
Me: “Ok. But are you sure? As I told you, I don’t like moving timelines. Once we agree on a timeline, it is locked in. This is your opportunity, do you want more time?”
Clueless: “Sir, how about 12 noon”
Me: “Ok, I’ll make it 1pm”
Clueless: “Thank you sir”

3pm that day:
Me: “So do you have an answer?”
Clueless: “Sir, I’m trying to find out – we are talking to blah blah”
Me: “I am on my way to your branch. Please keep my draft ready – I’ll come and pick it up. I don’t want to deal with you any more.”

3:05pm:
Head of Account Acquisitions: “Sir please stay with us, I promise that we’ll have an answer for you by close of business today”

I finally got a confirmation at 9pm that an account will indeed be opened. Imagine that – just for an account opening. And I was in their preferential customer list – Shitty-gold they call it!
On Day 8, I enquired as to when will the funds from the draft will be available. Clueless told me that a draft takes the same amount of time to get cleared as a check. I told him that he had no clue about his job. I called up the head of account acquisitions and he said that a draft should not take more than a day.

On Day 9, I got an automatic email saying that the draft had been cleared. Meanwhile my car dealer has started bugging me to make the payment and pick up the car.

On Day 10, I got an automatic email saying that my draft had bounced. I had never heard of a draft getting bounced. My dad also called me since I had given his cell number and he had received an identical SMS. He told me “Betaa, draft kaisey bounce hotaa hai, pataa chaley to hamey bhee batana”

On Day 13, we finally got our funds. We picked up our car the same day.

So it took us 8 working days, infinite phone calls, and a lot of shouting, screaming & threatening to get an account opened! And a total of 13 days to get access to funds that were issued to a local branch. This is when I was bringing a ton of business to the bank, without them having to do anything. Overall, it was quite a frustrating experience, especially because we couldn't pick up our car until we had the funds, and commuting to Gurgaon without a car is impossible.

Lessons learnt:
- Shitty-bank is pretty shitty in India. HDFC and Axis are wayyyyy better
- Timelines mean zilch in most cases. Everything will be done tomorrow. And tomorrow never comes
- People don’t say a no to anything ("Ho jayegaa jee"). Instead of being upfront and letting you know about potential issues, there is a tendency to hide things, and unravel issues as they come up ("Sir, ek chotee see problem hai")
- Shouting, screaming, and threatening are very much a part of the game
- Even if you are bringing business to people, it is you who needs to follow up!

So that’s all about the account opening process. I started the process for the corporate account of Indus Insights this Monday with Axis Bank. Today is Day 3. Let’s see…

-D